Blog Takeover: Nick Tory

Hello,
It's really a pleasure to be able to commandeer The Book Cove blog this week.  I can't recall exactly what it was that I wrote in my entry to the competition, but I'm sure it was stunning and inspirational, because I am really due to write something that has those characteristics.
My name is Nick Tory and I'm the author of a recently released pair of books that are part of a new humor series.  The books are Johnny 12 Steps and Johnny Vegas, and they follow the self-centered and dimwitted, but lovable Johnny Tee.  The first book follows Johnny as he tries to turn his life around by following a twelve step program and misinterprets the steps along the way. The books are goofy, oddball, dry, and dark, but not vulgar. In today's blog post, I'm going to put up a sample chapter so you can get the general idea.
To help you out with your expectations, I've reviewed my own work.

"Review: Johnny 12 Steps by Nick Tory
Review by: Nick Tory
This book has satisfactory margins and fonts.  Spell check was clearly used and was at least mostly successful.   It was well bound, but I'm not sure Tory had anything to do with that.  Also I read it on a kindle so I'm just making assumptions about the binding. As for the writing, his descriptions of things are accurate to how things look in real life, at least for the most part.  He has an amazing way of making you feel like you are reading a book that he himself has written.  The experience is one that will top the list of things you've done in your life, especially if you've spent moderate to significant time in a coma. Tell a friend!"

Please enjoy the sample chapter which appears somewhere a little bit into the book (which is only 75 pages).  I could give you a setup but I won't.
For the remainder of the week, I will refrain from shoving these books down your throat by providing you with senseless commentary on the world.  I'm happy to be here!
Enjoy!

Excerpt from Johnny 12 Steps

I woke up the next day on somebody else’s

lawn again. Only this time they didn’t invite me

to do chores in exchange for lamb chops, but

instead threatened to call the police and then

eventually shot at me twice when I dozed off

again.

I spent the next hour thinking about what

Red had said to me. Big Milo had enemies who

were anxious to take him out, and that could be

an opportunity for me. Unfortunately I had no

clue where to start.

My first move was to ask the local hobos. It

turned out to be a dead end, as they either

started to hand me change from their cups or

pointed me to the nearest lake and slid me a half

a bar of soap. Even though it got me nowhere I

was pleased with their kindness. It was good to

see that the neighborhood was turning around.

Next I turned to the street walkers, who

were trying to double and triple their prices

before I could reassure them that I was only

looking for information. A few of them knew Big

Milo, but only had the kind of information about

him I hoped would never, ever be useful.

I was about to give up and find a fresh lawn

to rest my head when I heard a voice from down

an alley.

“You the one askin’ around about Big Milo?”

said the voice.

“That’s right,” I responded.

“Well quit askin’, if you know what’s good for

ya’,” said the voice.

“I think it’s pretty clear that I don’t,” I said.

“Let’s see that hand there, pal,” demanded

the voice.

I held up my hand with the missing finger.

Out of the shadows stepped a beat down man

with a massive beard, bloodshot eyes and a

raincoat that had once been bright yellow but

was faded and worn. He held up his hands to

reveal two fingerless bulbs.

“NO!” I screamed.

“Yes. That’s right. That’s not all either. Now

you need to see my feet,” he insisted.

“No, that’s not necessary,” I said.

“It is,” he said.

We spent the next five minutes arguing and

negotiating. Eventually I agreed to look at one of

his feet, but when he revealed it I closed my eyes

without him knowing and just yelled “NO!” for

his benefit.

“What did you do to Big Milo anyway?” I

asked.

“I was in love with his daughter,” he said. “It

was an incredible love. It was a secret love

though. He would not permit his daughter to be

with a common man like me. I knew what the

consequences might be if he found out about us,

but I took my chances. It was love like you’ve

never known. Eventually he found out.”

As he said this last part he held up his hands

very close to my face. I swatted them away and

he put them back. I thought about asking him to

stop but he seemed pretty down on his luck

lately. He told me about how he had still loved

Big Milo’s daughter, but knew she would never

love him with his hideous deformity. He also

knew that if Big Milo ever saw his face again that

he would kill him, so he took to hiding in

alleyways.

“Please tell me you’re not doing whatever

you’re doing for a woman,” he said.

“That’s exactly why I’m doing it,” I said.

“Love is a wretched, horrible thing, pal. That

is the one thing I know. You need some evidence?

Look right here.”

Again he held his hands an inch from my

face. It was really starting to get annoying.

“I just need to know who his enemies are,” I

said.

“Enemies,” he laughed, “he’s got a million

enemies pal.”

“His most powerful one,” I clarified.

“Then it’s Tito Garrett you’re looking for,”

he said. “If there’s one gangster who’d like to see

Big Milo wiped off the face of the Earth, it’s

Tito.”

Having gotten the information I needed, I

got out of there pretty quickly. He tried to chase

after me, saying something about passing along

some information to his one true love should I

come across her, it was the only wish of a lost

man, would I please slow down because it was

hard to run with no toes, and some other stuff,

but I was pretty far away at that point.

It was clear that if I was going to avoid

ending up like the man in the raincoat, that I was

going to have to purify myself. At least that’s

what the next of the twelve steps thought I

should do, and they had me going in the right

direction so far. I looked down at the new list I

had gotten from Skinny.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these

defects of character.

I took up one of the hobos on the bar of

soap and headed down to the water. I was ready,

like the step said, but I didn’t have time to wait

for God. I scrubbed those defects away. I

scrubbed away the layers of lie and deceit and

began to reveal the new man that was

underneath. I scrubbed and scrubbed, and when

I was done and was told, “this is a fountain you

moron, a private fountain inside of an office

building, and not only that but it’s a drinking

fountain, a small third floor drinking fountain, so

how in the hell did you just bathe in it?” I was

ready to face the obstacles in front of me.

“Where in this city can I find the famous

gangster Tito Garrett?” I asked the man in the

suit closest to me.

“Tito Garrett?” he said looking confused.

“50th floor. He’s the CEO.”

Available on Amazon
Visit http://www.johnnybooks.com